Impotent Inimical Insanity

The democrats and republicans have spent most of the recent weeks dominating the news with talk of a government shutdown acting like old men arguing about the best placement of the deck chairs on the Titanic. Now they’ve settled: They’re going to narrow down the number of chairs they argue about.

Okay, okay, really: They have delayed the shutdown until Thursday with a bit of funding courtesy of you, the taxpayer. At the same time they’ve decided to initially cut $2 billion and $78 billion out of Obama’s budget. All this stuff is peanuts compared to this year’s deficit, the debt, the real debt, or just about any other measurement of stuff we owe.

Meanwhile the TSA gets to rip our DNA apart. It’s true that the radiation emitted by the TSA scanners are terahertz waves which — since they are weaker than X-rays — have been considered basically harmless. But new in-depth research has found that THz waves destroy the hydrogen bonds which results in the separation of your nucleotide bases. In other words, it unzips the strands of your DNA. It’s amazing TSA is willing to go so far for your safety…

Of course, there’s also Peter Rez — a physics professor at Arizona State University in Tempe — who will tell you that the likelihood of getting cancer from the TSA scanners is about same as getting blown up by a terrorist. All these facts were found out before the TSA noticed that the scanners are outputting about 10 times more radiation than they thought. (And yet we get worked up about insignificant radioactive problems half-way across the world in Japan. Who, by the way, will stop trying to make their own living version of Godzilla by not pumping all their radioactive water into the ocean.)

On my recent trip to Washington DC, I was in the Ronald Reagan airport which does indeed use these scanners. The entire experience was reminiscent to a wide range of science fiction. The scanners were dark, tall tubes and glowing lights (the part that rips up your DNA) that would swish around the person inside the tube. Standing in a dimly lit room with these “swishing,” glowing apparatus’ — with no shoes or belt — is discomforting to say the least.

So you’re better off getting on a plane without getting scanned because the chances of you getting cancer are higher than getting blown to bits and pieces in the sky by the “religion of peace.”

Speaking of radicals: That wacky pastor — Terry Jones — recently decided that, this time, he really was going to burn a Koran. Muslims in Afghanistan responded to this by rioting for two straight days killing ten people, wounding 83 others, vandalizing a girl’s high school, burning tires, smashing shops and shouting “death to America.” The religion of peace strikes again. (And, of course, Andrew McCarthy with National Review is quick to point out that radicals burn Bibles all the time and yet we don’t run around killing our own people simply because we’re miffed.)

Anyway, the TSA has really gone too far this time: They’ve taken out the “Bunny Lady.” Not only is the Bunny Lady the bearer of eggs filled with confetti, she also sings wonderful songs while wearing her bunny constume. Such as: “Happy birthday, to some bunny, happy birthday to some bunny.”

What did the Bunny Lady do to release the wrath of the TSA? Well, she was in the sterile zone (the part after the scanners) — minding her own business — when a TSA agent stopped her in her tracks. The TSA lady asked the Bunny Lady, “What are those?” Pointing the basket of eggs. Our beloved Bunny Lady responded, “Well, they’re eggs filled with confetti.”

Then, in a movement of bravery in the endless battle against all TSA agents, she gave the agent a “closer look” at the eggs by breaking one over her head. The Bunny Lady states, “I didn’t think anything of it.” This action led to the Bunny Lady being arrested and placed in the Airport hoosegow for three hours with her ID and boarding pass confiscated. Now she is going to testify in court. Such bravery and selflessness! Long live the Bunny Lady!

“Remember the Bunny Lady!” Probably won’t be as popular as, “Remember the Alamo!” But it will suffice for now.

The TSA might not let the Bunny Lady get through, but do you know who is getting through? The terrorists. Apparently, the TSA has been recorded 23 times to have failed to detect jihadists going through their airports. How many times were not recorded can never be known. But don’t worry, the Bunny Lady won’t get by with her confetti-filled WMD’s. Makes us safe right?

You know, with our soldiers we have what is called “enemy recognition,” which monitors your ability to identify the enemy. The TSA fails this test. When we start arresting and detaining the “Bunny Lady” because of her confetti eggs, rather than the terrorists, don’t you think there’s a problem? “Homeland Security” is anything but security. We don’t even know who we’re fighting. The TSA is suspecting every citizen down to America’s Bunny Ladies. What’s happened? We’ve lost sight of who the enemy is because we are scared: We don’t want to be “racist” or charged with “racial profiling” because we give an Arab more scrutiny than the Easter Bunny.

The TSA increasing your chances of death by shooting you full of radiation and then letting the terrorists onto the planes obviously doesn’t make us safe. Rob Long with National Review knows who does: When the guy in 22C starts to light his underpants — or mix his tiny shampoo into his tiny conditioner — do you think that the lady in 22D, or the fat guy 22A, or the wiry old guy in 22B, or the hipster with the iPod in 22H will hesitate to jump on this creep?

We all know who will save us from the terrorists, and it isn’t the guys in the uniforms. It’s one another. Every furious, cranky, stressed-out passenger on the plane. We’re one another’s first — and last — line of defense. And I don’t know about you, but that honestly makes me feel safer. A lot safer.” –Rob Long with National Review, December 2, 2010

So whether the government is trying to solve it’s debt problems, or save you from the religion of peace, Thomas Paine’s 235 year-old quote still stands: “Society is produced by our wants, and government by our wickedness; the former promotes our happiness positively by uniting our affections, the latter negatively by restraining our vices.”

To every cranky passenger and Bunny Lady in rebellion: We salute you.



One comment

  1. 🙂 If I were an editor, I would publish you. Thank you Ben for the satirical truth. It brightened my day.

Leave a Nit-Pick, Bash, Rant, or Obsequious Note

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: