The Great Spotted Owl: A monument for environmentalism! As with the justification for most monuments, this one comes at a high price.
Rewind your watches 20 years and sit on grandpa’s knee as he tells you about the great ol’ Spotty. You see, ol’ Spotty was in bad trouble — real bad trouble — the hateful, nasty, inconsiderate, nasty and hateful loggers were cutting down trees! This was intolerable, think of it, loggers cutting down trees… Anyway, turns out ol’ Spotty lives in the trees, so a great, wonderful, considerate, wonderful and great judge ruled that cutting down trees endangered Spotty’s habitat. And with the help of the Endangered Species Act, loggers were told to stop their atrocious deeds.
Federally subsidized housing for Spotty grew from 640,000 acres in 1986 to 11.4 million in 1991. The only negative repercussions from this wonderful act of kindness was economies collapsing all over the Pacific Northwest. That’s about it.
Yet, ol’ Spotty is still dying. What more could we do for it? We had stopped the hateful, nasty, inconsiderate, nasty and hateful loggers. Wasn’t that enough? Apparently not. It turns out the “Barred owl” steals the nests of the spotted owls. That’s almost as bad as the loggers. Big Bad Barry is, as described by National Review‘s Lou Dolinar, “a closely related species that is bigger, more omnivorous, and generally all around superior to the spotted owl.”
Can’t have that. A superior bird out in the wild might make ol’ Spotty feel inferior resulting in loss of self-esteem, depression, loss of self-confidence and an inferiority complex. That can turn any owl into a Lickspittle. Such distress ought not be inflicted upon cute and cuddly Spotty. This simply cannot go on! We must do something!
Don’t worry, the Fish and Wildlife service has it all under control: They’re going to play owl calls over loudspeakers, and when Big Bad Barry comes to investigate — pow! Gone are the days of “catch and release” now it’s, kill! Kill! Kill! Bam! Bam! Bam! Pow! Pow! Pow! Knock those chumps right out of the sky! Yeah! Whoopee!
Look out. Here comes an agglomeration of bumper stickers you’ll see on the back of silly little “Smart Cars” all over America: “We club Barred Owls”, “Shoot ’em up!” “Kill the Owls!” “Protect the inferior!” “Don’t let nature take its course!” “Superior is bad,” “Evolution is …” etc.
Well, the Fish and Wildlife service might want to consider shooting ol’ Spotty too. The reason being that 40% of their diet is composed of adorable little flying squirrels. Dolinar is quick to say that flying squirrels are just, “too darn cute.” Aha! The people have spoken! We must save Rocky the Flying Squirrel!
Down with Spotty! Down with Spotty!
Hey, wait a second…