Some news items don’t deserve a full post. They’d be boring, or there’s just not that much to them. So this post is dedicated to all the midget stories — excuse me: Little news items.
ITEM — Smucker’s in a Jam: This one is basically here because of the epic pun. J.M. Smucker Co. profits fell 21% “in the wake of sharp price increases it has implemented on coffee, peanut butter, oils and other products as it faces costs rising 25% for the coming year.” Wall Street Journal. Starbucks is going up too, 17%. How will the western developed world handle expensive coffee? Eat chocolate.
ITEM — Romney Steps in It — Again: Romney at a recent Q&A: “I don’t speak for the scientific community, of course, but I believe the world is getting warmer. I can’t prove that, but I believe based on what I read that the world is getting warmer. And number two, I believe humans contribute to that. I don’t know how much our contribution is to that because I know there have been periods of greater heat and warmth in the past, but I believe that we contribute to that.” So let me get this straight: You believe the world is getting warmer, and that humans “contribute” but you can’t prove any of it and you don’t speak for any scientist. Which means… You’re making it up? If you aren’t reading what scientists say, what are you reading?
ITEM — Ma! There’s Another Politician in the House! Where’s the Shovel? Obama has decided — quite out of the blue — to establish a “White House Rural Council” that will be chaired by the current Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack. What would a “White House Rural Council” do? What’s that supposed to mean? Vilsack blogged on the White House site:
[The] White House Rural Council [is] the first entity of its kind established to focus on policy initiatives for Rural Americans…to improve the economic conditions and quality of life for millions of Rural Americans…The White House Rural Council will focus on actions to better coordinate and streamline federal program efforts in rural America, and to better leverage federal investments. The collaboration will result in better programs and services in rural communities and maximize the benefits of those programs…I am greatly looking forward to utilizing the Rural Council as a means of connecting with Rural America and to continue the important dialogue the Administration has worked to establish with rural communities since 2009 regarding the needs and challenges that Rural America faces.” –Tom Vilsack on The White House Blog, June 9, 2011
Say what? He “explained” what it was four or five times, I didn’t understand a word of it. All these vague goals, “streamlining federal program efforts,” “leverage federal investments,” “improve economic conditions.” What does it all mean? It means Obama has started his campaign. You know the whole, “Obama-has-worked-hard-since-2009-to-get-rural-voters” thing? Vilsack forgot about 2008 with the famous “they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion” quote.
ITEM — Finding that Special Mrs. Wright: Kenneth Wright had done nothing wrong, but his wife did. She committed a crime against the state. She defaulted on her Department of Education (DOE) student loan. That got herself into deep DOE, DOE. (All puns intended.) What does the DOE do when someone defaults on their loan? Call in the S.W.A.T. Team! Yeah! That’ll teach ’em! The problem is, when they busted in the door at 6 a.m. they dragged Ken and his three kids (3,7, and 11) into the front lawn, but his wife wasn’t there. But they still held Mr. Wright and his children in hot squad cars for six hours.
The moral of the story: Avoid the government at all costs, you never know when their going to stick your kids in a squad car for six hours without reason. The famous term, “Just DOE it” is wrong. Is this the “leverag[ing] federal investments” in rural America Vilsack was talking about?
ITEM — Radical Moderates: Get a load of this headline: “British Gov’t to Tackle ‘Non-Violent Islamic Extremism'” Oh yes, we mustn’t confront violent extremists, they’re, after all, violent. It’s much easier to take down and secure the non-violent extremists. Wait, how can you be an extremist and non-violent anyway? Well, whatever it is the British government is taking it down! Take that! And that! And that! Hey maybe they’ll put them in a squad care for six hours. Or would that be considered torture?
ITEM — My Right Hand Writes an IOU to My Left Hand and… You know a couple of days ago I was talking about China dumping a bunch of our bonds? And how I joked that the Fed would just buy the leftovers from the Treasury? Turns out I was right… sort of. The Fed surpassed China in holdings of US debt. The Fed gets the “Most-complicated-transaction-with-zero-sum-effect” award!
ITEM — LGBT: Let me guess… Lettuce, garlic, bacon and tomato sandwich! Sounds awesome! Well, that does sound good, but that’s not what LGBT stands for. Its the acronym for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender youth summit the DOE hosted this week. What’s the point? It’s for, “Creating and Maintaining Safe and Supportive Environments for LGBT Youth.” (Source: DOE)
So from what I gather this is a “don’t-bully-them-because-their-weird” campaign where you drag thousands of unwilling kids into conference rooms and chuck them full of LGBT garbage. Looks like I’m right: In fact, it’s so bad they won’t allow the press to know what they’re saying. But wouldn’t it be great for the world to hear these words of wisdom about accepting people who choose to “live differently”? I guess not, only a few choice kids need to know what they have to say. A comforting thought, no?
ITEM — The Black Plague Returns: The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) banned many household rat poisons to save pets, wildlife and children. Oh! Slugged in the gut! Save the children! In case you haven’t taught your children not to eat rat poison, or are too stupid to keep them away, the EPA has got you covered.
I don’t know about you but when we were trying to kill a rat in the house we put out about 50 traps and blocked the dog off. The dog was our responsibility to keep away from the poison not the EPA’s. Besides, why isn’t the EPA protecting the environment? Don’t they have some owls to shoot or some oil to complain about? Why are they worried about my dog or kid? And it hardly needs to be said that the danger was much greater when we didn’t have rat poison. Rats spreading disease in the streets, crawling all over the place… This is progressive?
ITEM — Rebel with Donuts! Donut Day was designated as the first Friday in June; however, the Competitive Enterprise Institute thinks we should also utilize it to protest government intervention. I think this is brilliant, we eat donuts and we get to protest the government.
It looks like Obama is in on the deal too, he was a day late though (the Saturday after Donut Day.) But instead our president protested by eating two chili dogs and an order of fries a day after First Lady Michelle introduced the new USDA-approved nutritional plate. Keep going Obama! Have another one!
ITEM — Best-est Friends: This commentary needs a happy ending. This week I found the best song in the world (okay, not really.) Best Friends by Will.i.am. You can listen to it on GrooveShark.
Ain’t nothing in the world that can
Tear it apart, you my friend.
Ain’t nothing in the universe,
That can come in between us.
If you’re in a rut
I will pick you up and bring you back
To who you are.
Anything that you need,
I’m here for ya.
Where ever I need to be,
I’m there for ya.
Unconditional, even if it ain’t cool.
I’m there when you need me.
Nobody better say nothing bad about,
Ain’t no kinda gossip you can spread around,
That will change my opinion.
They can make it up, they can talk that trash,
You know who I am and I know who you are.
Anything that you need
I’m here for ya
Where ever I need to be
I’m there for ya
Unconditional even if it ain’t cool
I’m there when you need me
If you need a laugh I’m there for you
If you need a place to crash
I know you know you’re my buddy
And you my best-est friend.
Okay, yeah, it’s a cheesy song really… But I don’t know, I like it…